What forgiveness is according to psychology . 

It would give us some comfort if we could only forget a past that we cannot change. If we could only choose to forget the cruelest moments, we could, as time goes on, free ourselves from their pain. But the wrong sticks like a nettle in our memory. The only way to remove the nettle is with a surgical procedure called forgiveness. Smedes, The Art of Forgiving 

Without being forgiven, released from the consequences of what we have done, our capacity to act would . . . be confined to a single deed from which we could never recover; we would remain the victims of its consequences forever. Arendt, The Human Condition

 Most scholars also agree that forgiveness is distinct from reconciliation, a term that implies the restoration of a fractured relationship (Freedman, 1998)

When insulted by a friend, forsaken by a lover, or attacked by an enemy, most people are motivated at some level to avoid or to seek revenge against the transgressor. Almost the first reaction after this is revenge taking . 

The tendency to retaliate or seek retribution after being insulted or victimized is deeply ingrained in the biological, psychological, and cultural levels of human nature. 

 Revenge rarely is perceived as being equitable. Victims tend to view transgressions as more painful and harmful than do perpetrators. Moreover, when a victim exacts revenge, the original perpetrator often perceives the revenge as greater than the original offense and may retaliate to settle the score, thereby perpetuating a vicious cycle of vengeance

Forgiveness definition by  various researchers 

1.Thompson and colleagues :- 

Forgiveness is a freeing from a negative attachment to the source that has transgressed against a person. 

2. McCulloge and colleagues:- 

Prosocial motivation toward another such that there is 1.Less desire to avoid the transgressing person to increase desire to act positively towards the person. 

3.Enright and Colleagues  

A willingness to abandon one’s right to resentment negative,judgment and indifferent behavior toward one who unjustly hurt us while fostering the undeserved qualities of compassion, generosity and even love towards him or her. “Forgiveness is between two people”

4.Tangney and colleagues:– 

They gave discovered 5 various points through which they explained what forgiveness is 

1.cognitive- affective transformation following a transgression in which 

2. The victim makes a realistic assessment of the harm done and acknowledge the perpetrators responsibility but 

3.freely chooses to “cancel the debt” giving up the need for revenge or deserve punishment and any quest for restitution. 

4 canceling the debt also involves a “cancelation of negative emotions” directly related to the transgressor person. Inshort the victim overcomes his feelings of anger towards the person by forgiving them. 

5. Essentially removes himself or herself from the victim role. 

Cultivating forgiveness :- 

In this section we explore how forgiveness can be taught. Accordingly , we show how three sources- another person, oneself , and even a situation or circumstances- can be used as targets in forgiveness instructions. 

1. FORGIVING ANOTHER PERSON:- 

In this most typical category of forgiveness, forgiving someone who hurt you one can imagine lyrics of blue songs in which one partner in a relationship has been “done wrong” (e.g the other person had an affair) this example is used because in most of the cases forgiveness towards  another person the another person if always the love ones, but even if it is the other person these steps are found beneficial in your forgiveness journey. 

From therapy experiences with couples researchers found MODEL OF GORDON,BAUCOM AND SNYDER. (2004,2005 ) they gave the steps which made it easy for a person to reach the forgiveness goal. 

1.Promote a non distorted, realistic appraisal of the relationship of the two people.      A non-distorted, realistic appraisal of a relationship involves acknowledging both the strengths and weaknesses, understanding the dynamics, and embracing the complexities that come with any interpersonal connection. 

2.attempt to facilitate a release from the bond of ruminative, negative affect held towards the violating (transgressing partner) :- 

Facilitating a release from the bond of ruminative, negative affect towards a transgressing partner involves a combination of introspection, communication, empathy, and potentially seeking professional help

3. Providing help towards the victimized partner lessens his or desire to punish the transgressing partner.

When a partner has been victimized due to a transgression, their initial response might involve feelings of anger, hurt, betrayal, and a desire for retribution or punishment. However, providing support and assistance to the victimized partner can contribute to a shift in their perspective and, consequently, reduce the desire for punishment towards the transgressing partner.

To help a person cope with the transgression person actions here are the tips which can help them to consider forgiveness:- 

1. Communication or emotional catharsis :- Effective communication is crucial in any relationship. Both individuals should feel comfortable expressing their thoughts, feelings, and needs openly. It’s important to listen actively and strive to understand each other without judgment. This emotional catharsis can provide relief and create a space for healing, reducing the intensity of the desire for punishment.
2. Individuality  Each person in the relationship is a unique individual with their own strengths, weaknesses, and personal growth journey. Recognizing and respecting each other’s autonomy and personal goals is essential for a healthy dynamic.
3. Emotional Support A strong relationship involves mutual emotional support. Both individuals should be there for each other during both good and challenging times. This support helps create a foundation of trust and understanding.
4. Realistic Expectations It’s important to have realistic expectations of each other. No one is perfect, and it’s normal to have flaws and make mistakes. Understanding and accepting imperfections can contribute to a more sustainable and fulfilling connection.
5. Conflict Resolution Disagreements are a natural part of any relationship. What matters is how conflicts are approached and resolved. Healthy conflict resolution involves effective communication, compromise, and a willingness to work together to find solutions.
6. Shared Values While differences can add richness to a relationship, having shared values and goals can provide a strong foundation. It’s important to align on fundamental aspects such as core beliefs, life priorities, and long-term aspirations.
7. Adaptability Life is constantly changing, and relationships need to adapt to these changes. Flexibility and adaptability are key to navigating the challenges that may arise, whether they are external or internal to the relationship.
8. Mutual Growth A healthy relationship is one where both individuals support and encourage each other’s personal and professional growth. Celebrating achievements, providing constructive feedback, and helping each other become the best versions of themselves contribute to a fulfilling partnership
9. Self-Reflection:

Take time to understand your own emotions and thoughts. Reflect on how the negative affect is impacting your well-being.Identify the specific actions or events that have led to the negative feelings

10. Understanding Perspectives:

Try to understand your partner’s perspective and motivations. This doesn’t mean condoning their actions, but gaining insight into their thoughts and emotions can foster empathy.Open dialogue about each other’s feelings and experiences can build a foundation for healing.

11. Rebuilding Trust:

Supportive actions contribute to the process of rebuilding trust between partners. As trust is restored, the need for punishment may diminish because the focus shifts from retaliation to repairing and strengthening the relationship.

Overtime the feelings of hurt and the outpouring of negative feelings to diminish-especially for the victimized partner.Likewise, the treatment enhances the empathy for the transgressing partner, and the therapist tries to make both people feel better about themselves.

Ultimately, the couple progresses through distinct stages of dealing with an affair, as outlined by Gordon et al. (2005). In the initial impact stage, a surge of negative emotions like hurt, fear, and anger prevails, with partners oscillating between numbness and intense negative feelings. Moving into the meaning stage, the partners earnestly seek to understand why the affair occurred, searching for some significance in the upheaval it caused in their relationship.

Finally, in the recovery stage, the couple gradually regains a sense of control over their lives. The primary objective here is to prevent the affair from dominating their every thought. Forgiveness in this context doesn’t necessarily imply a decision to stay together, but it does empower the couple to make more informed decisions about their future.

A constructive approach to assisting couples in navigating infidelity is Everett Worthington’s unforgiveness model, developed at Virginia Commonwealth University (refer to Ripley & Worthington, 2002; Worthington, 1998; Worthington & Drinkard, 2000). 

This model guides partners through a five-step process encapsulated in the acronym REACH: 

1. Recall the hurt and the nature of the injury caused:

   – Reflect on the pain experienced and understand the specifics of the harm inflicted.

2. Promote empathy in both partners:

   – Encourage understanding and compassion between the individuals involved.

3. Altruistically give the gift of forgiveness between partners:

   – Actively offer forgiveness as a selfless gift, focusing on the well-being of both individuals.

4. Commit verbally to forgive the partner:

   – Verbally express the intention to forgive, solidifying the commitment to the process.

5. Hold onto the forgiveness for each other:

   – Sustain the forgiveness, maintaining a commitment to moving forward and fostering a positive environment.

In essence, this model is centered on guiding couples through a structured process that involves remembering the pain, fostering empathy, selflessly extending forgiveness, verbally committing to the act of forgiveness, and actively maintaining that forgiveness for the benefit of both partners.

FORGIVING ONESELF:- 

 The potential need for forgiveness of the self is when a person  is feeling either shame or guilt towards self . In this regard, shame reflects an overall sense that “I am a bad person.” As such, shame cuts across particular circumstances, and it reflects an all-encompassing view of the self as powerless and worthless. Guilt works as a situation specific negative view about self  for example, “I did a bad thing”

To address feelings of guilt, engaging in a reparative action like confessing or apologizing is typically recommended. However, dealing with shame is a more challenging process for the helper, as shame tends to permeate various situations, unlike guilt, which is often more narrowly focused on a specific circumstance.

Self-forgiveness has been defined as “a process of releasing resentment toward oneself for a perceived transgression or wrongdoing. 

Considering that we all have to coexist with our own selves, it becomes evident that the repercussions of not forgiving yourself can be significantly more serious than the consequences of not forgiving others. 

Forgiving oneself is a challenging but crucial process for personal growth and well-being. Here are some tips to help you navigate the journey of self-forgiveness:

1. Acknowledge Mistakes:

   – Recognize and acknowledge the mistakes or actions that are causing feelings of guilt or shame. Acceptance is the first step towards forgiveness.

2. Understand the Context:

   – Consider the circumstances surrounding your actions. Understand the factors, emotions, or external pressures that may have contributed to the mistake. This doesn’t excuse the behavior but provides context for understanding.

3. Learn from the Experience:

   – Use the experience as an opportunity for personal growth and learning. Reflect on how the mistake has shaped your values, and identify ways to avoid similar situations in the future.

4. Express Remorse:

   – If appropriate, express remorse through apologies or amends to those who may have been affected by your actions. Taking responsibility for your behavior is a crucial aspect of the forgiveness process.

5. Practice Self-Compassion:

   – Treat yourself with the same kindness and understanding that you would offer to a friend. Remember that everyone makes mistakes, and it’s a part of being human.

6. Challenge Negative Thoughts:

   – Identify and challenge negative self-talk. Replace self-critical thoughts with more compassionate and realistic perspectives. Cognitive restructuring can help reshape your mindset.

7. Set Realistic Expectations:

   – Understand that perfection is unattainable. Set realistic expectations for yourself and recognize that everyone has flaws and makes errors.

8. Seek Support:

   – Share your feelings with a trusted friend, family member, or therapist. Talking about your struggles can provide valuable insights and emotional support.

9. Engage in Self-Reflection:

   – Spend time reflecting on your values, goals, and the person you aspire to be. Focus on the positive aspects of yourself and the potential for growth.

10. Practice Mindfulness:

    – Embrace mindfulness techniques to stay present and avoid dwelling excessively on past mistakes. Mindfulness can help you develop a non-judgmental awareness of your thoughts and feelings. Check out our tips for practicing mindfulness.

11. Forgive Gradually:

    – Understand that forgiveness is a process that may take time. Be patient with yourself and allow the healing journey to unfold gradually.

12. Celebrate Progress:

    – Acknowledge and celebrate the progress you make in forgiving yourself. Recognize small victories and positive changes in your mindset..

Remember that self-forgiveness is a journey, not a destination. It may take time, effort, and persistence, but by embracing these tips, you can work towards letting go of guilt and fostering a healthier relationship with yourself. Remember this , forgive yourself and move on. 

FORGIVING OF A SITUATION :- 

Let’s have a look at this example. It will help you better to understand how forgiveness is situation focus. 

A psychotherapy case from about two decades ago illustrates the application of forgiveness in a specific situation. The setting is Lawrence, Kansas, a region occasionally affected by tornadoes. The case involves a man who sought therapy after a tornado damaged houses, including his own. The man harbored intense anger and bitterness towards the tornado, feeling psychologically victimized by the destruction of his home. The therapeutic goal was to help him move away from constantly dwelling on the tornado and blaming it for the upheaval in his life (Snyder, 2003). Consequently, the man was guided to release his resentment towards the tornado.The treatment goal in this case was to help the individual release the bitterness associated with a series of perceived “bad breaks” he had experienced in life. Additionally, the therapy aimed to make him realize that the tornado had affected other houses and families, yet those individuals managed to overcome the challenges and move forward. The client recognized that his constant ruminations about the tornado were keeping him stuck in the past, and he understood that letting go was essential for moving forward and finding hope in his life (refer to Lopez, Snyder, et al., 2004; Snyder, 1989).

For mental health professionals with substantial experience in psychotherapy, this case may not appear uncommon. Many clients tend to attribute their problems to life circumstances, blaming past events for their current struggles. Therefore, a critical aspect of their treatment involves guiding them to cease dwelling on negative experiences from the past and instead focus on looking ahead toward their futures (Michael & Snyder, in press). The therapeutic process likely included interventions to shift thought patterns, foster resilience, and promote a forward-looking mindset for the individual’s overall well-being.

The given example explains that if you are angry about a situation and not a person then why forgiveness is necessary and how the therapist helped the person to cope with it, you can also help yourself with this example.