What forgiveness is according to psychology . It would give us some comfort if we could only forget a past that we cannot change. If we could only choose to forget the cruelest moments, we could, as time goes on, free ourselves from their pain. But the wrong sticks like a nettle in our memory. The only way to remove the nettle is with a surgical procedure called forgiveness. Smedes, The Art of Forgiving Without being forgiven, released from the consequences of what we have done, our capacity to act would . . . be confined to a single deed from which we could never recover; we would remain the victims of its consequences forever. Arendt, The Human Condition Most scholars also agree that forgiveness is distinct from reconciliation, a term that implies the restoration of a fractured relationship (Freedman, 1998) When insulted by a friend, forsaken by a lover, or attacked by an enemy, most people are motivated at some level to avoid or to seek revenge against the transgressor. Almost the first reaction after this is revenge taking . The tendency to retaliate or seek retribution after being insulted or victimized is deeply ingrained in the biological, psychological, and cultural levels of human nature. Revenge rarely is perceived as being equitable. Victims tend to view transgressions as more painful and harmful than do perpetrators. Moreover, when a victim exacts revenge, the original perpetrator often perceives the revenge as greater than the original offense and may retaliate to settle the score, thereby perpetuating a vicious cycle of vengeance Forgiveness definition by various researchers 1.Thompson and colleagues :- Forgiveness is a freeing from a negative attachment to the source that has transgressed against a person. 2. McCulloge and colleagues:- Prosocial motivation toward another such that there is 1.Less desire to avoid the transgressing person to increase desire to act positively towards the person. 3.Enright and Colleagues A willingness to abandon one’s right to resentment negative,judgment and indifferent behavior toward one who unjustly hurt us while fostering the undeserved qualities of compassion, generosity and even love towards him or her. “Forgiveness is between two people” 4.Tangney and colleagues:– They gave discovered 5 various points through which they explained what forgiveness is 1.cognitive- affective transformation following a transgression in which 2. The victim makes a realistic assessment of the harm done and acknowledge the perpetrators responsibility but 3.freely chooses to “cancel the debt” giving up the need for revenge or deserve punishment and any quest for restitution. 4 canceling the debt also involves a “cancelation of negative emotions” directly related to the transgressor person. Inshort the victim overcomes his feelings of anger towards the person by forgiving them. 5. Essentially removes himself or herself from the victim role. Cultivating forgiveness :- In this section we explore how forgiveness can be taught. Accordingly , we show how three sources- another person, oneself , and even a situation or circumstances- can be used as targets in forgiveness instructions. In this most typical category of forgiveness, forgiving someone who hurt you one can imagine lyrics of blue songs in which one partner in a relationship has been “done wrong” (e.g the other person had an affair) this example is used because in most of the cases forgiveness towards another person the another person if always the love ones, but even if it is the other person these steps are found beneficial in your forgiveness journey. From therapy experiences with couples researchers found MODEL OF GORDON,BAUCOM AND SNYDER. (2004,2005 ) they gave the steps which made it easy for a person to reach the forgiveness goal. 1.Promote a non distorted, realistic appraisal of the relationship of the two people. A non-distorted, realistic appraisal of a relationship involves acknowledging both the strengths and weaknesses, understanding the dynamics, and embracing the complexities that come with any interpersonal connection. 2.attempt to facilitate a release from the bond of ruminative, negative affect held towards the violating (transgressing partner) :- Facilitating a release from the bond of ruminative, negative affect towards a transgressing partner involves a combination of introspection, communication, empathy, and potentially seeking professional help 3. Providing help towards the victimized partner lessens his or desire to punish the transgressing partner. When a partner has been victimized due to a transgression, their initial response might involve feelings of anger, hurt, betrayal, and a desire for retribution or punishment. However, providing support and assistance to the victimized partner can contribute to a shift in their perspective and, consequently, reduce the desire for punishment towards the transgressing partner. To help a person cope with the transgression person actions here are the tips which can help them to consider forgiveness:- Take time to understand your own emotions and thoughts. Reflect on how the negative affect is impacting your well-being.Identify the specific actions or events that have led to the negative feelings Try to understand your partner’s perspective and motivations. This doesn’t mean condoning their actions, but gaining insight into their thoughts and emotions can foster empathy.Open dialogue about each other’s feelings and experiences can build a foundation for healing. Supportive actions contribute to the process of rebuilding trust between partners. As trust is restored, the need for punishment may diminish because the focus shifts from retaliation to repairing and strengthening the relationship. Overtime the feelings of hurt and the outpouring of negative feelings to diminish-especially for the victimized partner.Likewise, the treatment enhances the empathy for the transgressing partner, and the therapist tries to make both people feel better about themselves. Ultimately, the couple progresses through distinct stages of dealing with an affair, as outlined by Gordon et al. (2005). In the initial impact stage, a surge of negative emotions like hurt, fear, and anger prevails, with partners oscillating between numbness and intense negative feelings. Moving into the meaning stage, the partners earnestly seek to understand why the affair occurred, searching for some significance in the upheaval it caused in their relationship. Finally, in the recovery stage, the couple gradually regains
Guide to teenage relationships: 4 ways towards building a strong foundation.
In the world of teenage relationships, romance often feel like a tricky dance, with twists and turns that can leave even the most experienced dancers stumbling. In a time where the idea of love seems to change as quickly as the latest social media trends, it’s essential to pause and reflect on what really matters in adolescent relationships. Which is almost neglected by the teens when they engage in a relationship. Many individuals often find themselves becoming overly attached in relationships, while others struggle to discern between love and attachment. Research indicates that relationship issues significantly impact the self-esteem and confidence of those involved. Recognizing these nuances is crucial for young people as it equips them with essential insights for personal growth and well-being. Providing education on these aspects becomes an imperative tool for the youth, fostering self-awareness and contributing to their overall betterment. Trust issues in teenage relationships are also the biggest reason behind unsuccessful relationships etc are labeled as teenage relationship issues. The Teenage Relationship Landscape: Imagine teenagers entering relationships like they’re shopping for the latest fashion trends. Terms like casual relationships, situationships, and friends with benefits also being from the community of LGBTQ often dominate the scene, overshadowing essential elements like trust, loyalty, understanding, and support which are beneficial for a healthy romantic relationship. The prevailing trends in relationship are heavily influenced by Western culture and media, contributing significantly to the emergence of these patterns. There is a notable inclination towards prioritizing terms associated with desire, often leading individuals to favor lust over genuine love. This shift has become a drawback for a majority, impacting over 80% of relationship in the world . There’s a common misconception where people confuse lust for love, believing that once the initial passion diminishes, their love also fades away. The Pitfalls of Misguided Expectations: Behind the glamor of teenage relationship lies a harsh reality. Many dive into this journey with expectations based on myths that prioritize physical aspects over emotional connections. This can lead to confusion, self-doubt, and even depression for those seeking something more meaningful. Setting excessively high standards for oneself or others can result in constant feelings of inadequacy and disappointment in a relationship. Unrealistic expectations may lead to a perpetual cycle of striving for unattainable goals. Also Expecting from your partner to fulfill specific roles or meet unrealistic ideals can strain relationship. Misguided expectations often breed resentment and dissatisfaction, hindering the growth and harmony of connections. Unreasonable expectations can contribute to stress, anxiety, and a negative impact on mental health. Constantly falling short of unrealistic goals may lead to feelings of failure and diminished self-esteem. It also leads to resistance in adapting to new situations. Misguided expectations often stem from a reluctance to accept reality as it is. This struggle with acceptance can lead to frustration, as individuals resist acknowledging and embracing the present moment. The Impact on Self-Esteem: Research by Barber and Eccles (2003) highlights that the quality of adolescent romantic relationships can shape self-esteem and influence personal values regarding love, intimacy, and sexuality. Unpacking the Real Issues: 1. Communication Hurdles: Lost in Translation Teenagers often find it challenging to express their true feelings and expectations due to lack of trust or exposure which leads to misunderstandings and growing frustration within the couple. 2. Myth vs. Reality: Chasing Superficial Ideals Craving the perfect teenage relationship and showing it off on social media is something many teens can relate to. We often get caught up in this fantasy world, creating our own romantic wonderland based on what we see in movies. But here’s the thing – it’s like only seeing one side of a coin. On one side, we enjoy the dreamy moments, but when we flip to the other side, it gets real. Real relationships need adjustments, dealing with challenges, and understanding each other when life gets tough. These are the things that actually make a relationship stronger. The problem is, we often fall for myths that say relationships should always be like a fairytale. And when reality hits, it can be hard to face. Many of us end up calling it quits because it’s not what we imagined. The secret to a strong relationship is embracing both sides of the coin – the dreamy parts and the real, sometimes messy, parts. It’s okay to have imperfections; that’s what makes love grow. So, next time you find yourself daydreaming about a perfect relationship, remember that real love is about going through challenges together and growing stronger. It’s time to trade the movie-like fantasy for the beautiful, imperfect reality of love. The fixation on surface-level aspects of relationships can overshadow genuine emotions and connections, missing the essence of a meaningful partnership. 3. The Perfection Trap: Unrealistic Expectations The impact of social media and movies is evident in the establishment of impractical standards, leading to anxiety, insecurity, and detrimental comparisons. Frequently, individuals harbor unrealistic expectations from their partners, which can result in arguments, irritation, or even the termination of relationships when these expectations go unmet. Contemporary teenagers, in particular, often lack the patience to await changes or the fulfillment of expectations by their partners. It is crucial to acknowledge and respect the diversity among individuals, prompting the need to adapt behavior accordingly. Furthermore, there seems to be an absence of limits when it comes to the expectations of today’s youth. 4. Balancing Independence: The Tug of War Striking a balance between maintaining individual identities and being part of a couple poses a significant challenge in many teenager relationships. 5. Ghosting Woes: The Impact of Rejection Ghosting, a common phenomenon, can leave one individual dealing with emotions of rejection, abandonment, and a diminished sense of self-worth. The impact on the person on the receiving end is often profound and challenging to overcome. Meanwhile, those who engage in ghosting may attribute their actions to seeking attention or existing in a neglectful environment. However, it’s notable that this behavior often involves disregarding the feelings and emotions of the other